What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 02:48
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
How do you make a karaoke version of a song?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is your twin flame story?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
I don,t even have a pension.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot live in the past .
Why are daughters mean to their mothers?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I have no regrets .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
All the time i was locked up.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I think the readers, may guess!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My family never makes their pension either.
My life is so biszare .
So, i spoilt her more .
What did i know ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He knew the spot.
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was 9 years of age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.